Transience

I am (so) aware that this is the life that I’ve chosen.  I want to live a life where, at the end of the day at the dinner table, I could feel I did good.  That’s what I tell people.  Where at the end of my life I can see the little ripple I made and hope it doesn’t break too soon on the shore.  That’s what I tell myself.

But sometimes I feel like I’m trying to make a ripple in a hurricane. 

My contract is over and once again I’m looking for a job.  Once again I’m uprooted and uncertain and alone.  It’s exciting, isn’t it?  I’m looking at jobs in Cambodia, Myanmar, Swaziland and India.  Another adventure! 

But I’m watching my ex-boyfriends get married.  My friends have babies.  And I’m…moving again.  I do it because I love it but this love keeps tossing me around.  HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO SAVE THE BABIES IF YOU KEEP MAKING ME START OVER?  Shouting into a fundless storm. 

So come March I may have to pack my bags, and my damn cat, and move.  But I’m young, and I’m free and I do what I do because I love what I do.  I’ll start new and keep going on going on because I’m not ready to slow yet.  I hear Cambodia has some of the most beautiful temples in the world.

Fuck the ripple.  I’m going to make a tidal wave.