I often get the question, “You’re a New Yorker, AND you’re
Italian! You’ll know where I can get the
best pizza!”
They’re right. I do.
But I’m going to do better than just telling you the best
pizza. I am going to quantify the
quality of the pie and present to you not just another Buzzfeed ranking but
rather a calculated list of mathematically undeniable excellence.
2 days. 2
judges. 9 pizza parlors. 4 ranking categories.
The 4 Categories:
1)
Sauce: A good sauce is the single most important
part of the pizza. It needs to taste
fresh, and juicy but thick enough to differentiate it from pasta sauce. It needs to be light, not weighed down with
spices. When you eat a good pizza
sauce you should feel like you’re being hugged by grandma.
2)
Cheese: When you bite into a good piece of
mozzarella it should squeak against your teeth.
It should puddle slightly with delicious oil and the stretch of cheese
from slice to face should be long and unwieldy.
3)
Crust:
When you hold the slice up by the crust end, it shouldn’t flop
down. No one likes a floppy pizza. The crust should be supportive, crunchy and
make your pizza stand erect.
4)
Ratio: Do
you have a bunch of cheese on a crust?
Then you have yourself a flat bread, not a pizza. Are you swimming in sauce? Well that’s kinda nice but it’s not
right. Ratio is important.
And those are the categories. Each category is ranked 1-5 (5 being the
highest) for a total score out of 20.
Scores were averaged between the two judges to come up with the below,
statistically significant pizza ranking:
#9: Di Fara:
Some people are going to hate me for ranking Di Fara
last. But I don’t care because I have
science and math on my side. #9. There’s
a stupid long line because this place is “Old school.” But let me tell
you something. This pizza scored a 5/20.
A 1 on each category. 25%. F.
A slice is a whopping
$5. Their schtick is that every pie is made by the old man that started the
place. Which is cute, but he forgot how
to make pizza. Take a look at my picture
below. Oily, grey slice. Sauce is barely there and suffocated by oil
anyway so you can’t taste it. Cheese
tastes like plastic. Crust is a SIN.
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| Grey Di Fara's Pizza |
Here is a picture of me outside of Di Fara eating Totonno’s
because (spoiler) Totonno’s ranked much higher.
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| Eating Totonno's outside Di Fara |
#8) Tavola:
Tavola on 9th and 37th is dressed up
to look like an old Italian grocery store.
It is a sit-down trattoria that serves whole pies. Now let’s get something straight, there are
sit down, wood burning stove pies, and there are slices. I realize there is a difference and I am
ranking both on the same list. Moving
on…
This pizza did not rank so well. It scored an 11/20 (55%). Its main downfall is that it really just
wasn’t New York enough. The sauce and
cheese both ranked a 2 ratio 3, and the crunchy crust did better with a 4. But alas, the crust did not save it as pizza
is not bread.
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| Tavola |
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| Tavola |
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| Tavola Pizza |
#7) Roberta’s:
Oh Roberta’s you hipster daughter you. If I could subtract points for a tiki bar and
too many mason jars I would. But I will
not. Because that’s not science.
Roberta’s scored 12/20 (60%) and had a very decent pie. (Keep in mind we scored all these against
each other so Roberta’s is not 60% of all NY pizzas but rather 60% compared to
other places on this list). Sauce was
too oniony so ranked a 2. Crust was
decent at a 3, ratio could have used more sauce so also a 3, and the mozz was
really quite squeaky so got a 4. I do
have to admit that in addition to their regular, I tried their “Bee Sting”:
tomato sauce, mozz, sopressata, chili and honey. It was (gesture with kissing fingers and then
raising them to heaven in that Italian way).
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| Roberta's Pizza |
#6) Joe’s Pizza:
If you’re in the city, and you want an excellent slice,
there is no better place than Joe’s Pizza.
It’s exactly what you want, especially at 2am. (who am I kidding I haven’t been out until
2am in years). Served on that flimsy
barely there paper plate that you need to quadruple up so the oil doesn’t make
it to your lap, you can scarf down two of these bad boys in seconds. Cheese, sauce and ratio were golden all
scoring a 4. But the crust was mushy. When you fold the pizza (the only way to walk
and eat a pizza) it should have a nice small crack down the middle where the
crust gave way to the break. It should
not be able to be rolled up into a ball.
Pizza is not rollatini. The crust
scored a 1 bringing Joe’s to a score of 13/20 (65%).
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| Joe's Pizza |
#5) Motorino:
Freakin noms. Sauce
is delicious. Cheese is very good. But although the crust is a crunchy delight,
it takes up way too much of the pizza.
So in this case, the ratio of crust to sauce and cheese was not doing
it. Motorino scored 14 (70%).
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| Motorino Pizza |
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| Motorino |
#4) Grimaldi’s:
Grimaldi’s (the Coney island location) is so
underrated. Everyone thinks of Totonno’s
when they think of Coney Island Pizza (and I guess they should since Totonno’s
ranks higher than Grimaldi’s on this list) but should not forget about
Grimaldi’s! The mozz is fresh, the sauce
is light, the crust is crunchy. It is a
good pie. Scored a 15/20 (75%).
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| Grimaldi's |
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| Here's to Grimaldi's |
#3) L&B Spumoni Gardens:
I GREW UP ON THIS PIZZA.
When I was a teenager and had a cavernous pit of a stomach I once ate an
entire square pizza pie in one sitting.
And yes, that is what you order at Spumoni Garden, the square. Omgomgomg the square pizza is a dream come
true. The crust is crunchy, the center
like a pillow and in a CRAZY TWIST the sauce is over the cheese which is
brilliant because it makes the cheese melt better. Then there is the sauce which has a recipe so
secretive that the owner was SHOT DEAD by the mob who says he stole the recipe. (True story).
Get the square, (or 4), and finish up your meal with a rainbow spumoni
ice. It will be heaven. (also great people watching as this is where
all the mafia goes when they visit Brooklyn from Staten Island). L&B scored
a 90%.
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| Spumoni Garden |
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| Spumoni Garden |
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| Spumoni Ice |
#2) And the winner of
the best traditional slice of pizza in New York goes to Totonno’s in Coney
Island. This is everything a slice
dreams it could be. Really it’s just so
perfect in all of the categories above that I’m not even going to go into
it. Just, trust me, next time you go to
Coney Island tell Nathan’s to suck it and go to Totonno’s. Your stomach will thank you. (Even if the surly old guy behind the counter
will not).
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| Totonno's |
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| Totonno's crust is perf |
#1) Now for the big prize.
Winner of best pizza in New York according to this indisputable science
is…Lucali’s in Carroll Gardens! Holy
mother of god this pizza. Each bite of
this pie will rock your world a little more until, with a flourishing dip of
your slice in the EXTRA BOWL OF SAUCE THEY GIVE YOU, your world is thoroughly
rocked. I am writing this over a plate
of bland chicken in Namibia right now. I
may have to cut my visit short and fly home to get a pie a Lucali’s. From your table you can see Lucali in the
back slowly making the pizza while looking around at his kingdom. He got stabbed a few years ago by stealing
another restaurateur’s girlfriend. He
touched my back and asked how my pizza was.
I almost fell over. Lucali’s
scored a perfect 5 in each category.
And if you don’t believe the science listen to Jay Z and
Beyonce. They DITCHED THE GRAMMIES to
have a pie at Lucali’s. And Beyonce is
better than science.
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| Lucali's |
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| Lucali's |
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