While eating dinner at the hotel, in walks a rabbi. Very strange, I had never seen a Jewish man
adorned with a kippah and tzitzis in Uganda let alone in rural Uganda. He joined a table of people bent over bibles.
I moved my chicken a little closer. The
Rabbi ordered some fish and shared how he preached about the good lord Jesus
Christ today at a local Ugandan church.
I picked up my wine glass and joined their table because it was a Friday
night, in a town with no electricity, and this was too good.
The Rabbi had his own TV show in Ohio and was traveling to
African countries to film and preach the word of Jesus. He was joined by 2 young (maybe early
twenties) camera handlers and an older man.
In Gulu, Uganda, I had found my very own Jews for Jesus.
“Do you believe in the good lord’s word? Have you been saved?”
“No, sorry guys. I’m an artificially inseminated, daughter of
lesbians, haver of pre-marital sex, approver of abortion, worshipper of no god,
true heir to the iron throne.”
“No I have not been saved.
But I’m open to the idea!”
Rabbi S believed that Jewish people are the chosen people,
Jesus was after all a Jew, but the bible doesn’t end with the Old Testament and
Jesus is our true lord and savior.
He’s a preacher with a yarmulke. A pastor with Chanukah.
I moved to the other side of the table, because the rabbi
kept putting his hand on my head and praying for me, and started talking to the
young cameraman. He was nice in a pasty,
long nailed sort of way and I talked with him for several hours. He had some very good points as long as we
stayed away from morality. But is where I always trip up when someone is trying
to convert me. I don’t have faith. I don’t believe in God, and I don’t have
faith.
I explained that to cameraman and he said, “Chelsea, just
come to the Crusade tomorrow night.
You’ll see miracles and then you’ll get faith.” (They thought it was ok to call it a Crusade? Yikes.)
The next night I take a boda to the Crusade Arena (…) and am
shocked to see Rabbi S on a stage overlooking tens of thousands of
Ugandans. And I’m not exaggerating. Tens of thousands. I walk through the crowd and take pictures
and videotape. The rabbi is being
translated by a Ugandan Pastor who shouts his words and stomps his feet. It was fun, like a Jewistian field day. People brought their kids and women were
selling roasted maize. And then it
started getting dark and Rabbi’s preaching took a darker tone.
“Homosexuality is the greatest sin and Obama is the
anti-christ!” The crowd clapped their hands and whooped. I felt a chill run down my spine. There was a lightning storm in the distance
and the clouds lit up over the faces.
“I want you to put your hands on your head. I am going to bless you all now. Get RID of the evil spirits that reside
inside of you. Cast away the devil. Be free now!”
The woman next to screamed and sank to the floor. Her arms and legs were writhing. People around her tied her hands and legs and
shouted at the devil inside of her “You shut up! You shut up!” And then another woman fell
down beside her. It was terrifying. I
kept filming. I pushed through the crowd
and walked right onto the stage. I was
staring at thousands of faces completely enraptured by the man next to me. A young girl was brought up onto the stage
who was foaming at the mouth, her eyes rolling back into her head. This girl was having a seizure.
The rabbi comes up to me “This is how it all happens in the book of
Acts. Women falling down screaming,
having seizures.”
I went home freaked out, the women still screaming in my
head. What was that?
I opened the Bible. I
put down the Bible. I opened up
Google. I was most interested in that young
girl who was foaming at the mouth and having a seizure. How is that possible? Is there such a thing as a psychological
seizure? Google’s not super helpful on
the matter but I did find this: http://www.macalester.edu/academics/psychology/whathap/ubnrp/tle09/Religiosity.html
Temporal Lobe seizure, a seizure invoked by a strong emotional reaction
controlled by the temporal lobe.
The cameraman was wrong.
The Crusade did not bring me faith.
I am not a Jew for Jesus. Or
Jewish. Or Jesus.
But damn.