It was a bright and crisp day at 9am when I first got
to the clinic in rural Uganda. A line
was already wrapped around the single clinic room and women were resting in
circles allowing their fat, naked babies to play in the middle.
“Afoyo, hello!”
The kids laughed at
the white lady speaking their language.
Today I would be looking over the record books to get a sense of how bad
the most recent malaria epidemic had hit this village.
Just before greeting
the nurse, a woman grabbed my arm. She was panicked and her nails dug in.
“I prayed, but
nothing. Help me sistah docter.”
At first, I did not
hear her. So many people call out to me
every day that I have become good at not hearing.
She almost threw her
little girl into my arms. The girl was too light and her eyes were glassy. I was trying to explain that I am not a
doctor, I am just a scientist studying malaria when, like a horror film, the
little girl turned and I could see the back of her head had been eaten away by
disease. The pulpy flesh was rotting and
covered in flies. I gave the baby back
to her mother, went into the bush, threw up, and then went into the clinic to
count the cases of malaria.
I do not believe in
god. I pray again and again for strength
of faith but I have heard no answer.
Maybe I’ve spent too many years looking down through a microscope to
hear the god above me. I’m a scientist and
thus a skeptic. We’re taught to be wary
of religion as it is unfounded in evidence (the only scripture of
science.) But there is a woman in front
of me, just a baby herself, praying that her little girl doesn’t die. How can I help her if I don’t understand her?
School did not teach me what sustains people beyond the antibiotics.
It’s the big
questions, the ones that catch in your throat, unasked, that are all around me
in Uganda. The questions about death and
faith. I’m terrified because if I fail
to save you, you will not live on in another world. I will be here, and you will be gone. I
am afraid that if I do not figure out a way to hear some god, I may not be able
to continue doing this work.
Sometimes, usually when I’m lying in bed at night, I feel a tingling at the back of my head, and I have to reach up to feel if I’m whole.
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