3 AM

I wake up in the middle of the night because you are crying.  It is dark and I can’t see without my glasses, so I reach over and bring the monitor up to my eyeballs.  You are standing, precariously holding onto the crib rail with only one hand, pushing your soft, crazy hair out of your face with the other.  (Why do you have to be so rough?)  You are trying to reach for your binkys and crying that you can’t because you…threw them overboard.  I grab my glasses, stumble over the cat weaving through my leg who is THRILLED that I’m awake and open the door to your room. 

“Uh oh,” your little finger points at the binkys you threw.

“Yeah, uh oh.”  You laugh as I bend down to pick them all up.  I turn my head so you can’t see me smile.  “It’s not funny baby, it’s sleepy time.  Time to go to sleep.  Don’t throw your binkys.”

I pick you up and nestle you against me.  You lay your sleepy head on my shoulders, your long sleep sac making you look like a Victorian baby in a nightgown.  These moments are rare now.  Just you and me, in the middle of the night, in your dark, cool nursery.  And I savor it because I’m beginning to understand how fleeting this all is.  We once had a whole little life during the nights.  I would rock you and feed you and imagine all the other giraffe lamps lighting up a world of nurseries with mothers and babies all rocking like us.  Don’t get me wrong, it was hard.  I was always sleep deprived and starving (I definitely stained quite a few infant pjs with crumbles of the chocolate I was eating over your head).  I was lonely and constantly scared for our future.  But a part of me misses those quiet, dark hours.  We’re not sure if we’re going to have another baby.  You have completed us.  Our little 3 person family feels whole.  So, as I sway with you now, I appreciate that I will only be able to hold you and rock you for so long. 

I kiss your little dry cheeks (fake tears), lay you down and put a halo of binkys around your head just like you like.  I pick up the cat and shut the door.  I crawl back into bed, 3 AM, and put the monitor next to my head, dimly lit, for the rest of the night.